twenty five. Different name, same meaning

"I haven't much I can give you in return. Only my heart and I promise not to turn."

Twenty four. old wounds

I used to be a pretty good writer. At least I thought I was alright, When I was really down on myself, and well versed in the arts of self loathing and deprecation I would write endlessly. I would never stop, I would take the time to notate every single nuance and feeling that would pass through my mind but never have the courage to exit my mouth. I would re crate entire scenes in my mind and translate it to the screen. There was a period of time where I thought I could write short stories in my livejournal and convince myself that they were semi- palatable. They were okay but they had no consistency. This is one of the only excerpts from that series that I liked writing and found to be cohesive So I thought I would put it here:

Sep. 9th, 2007 | 02:01 am

He returned home briefly,
in the dead of night when the house was asleep.
Sitting quietly on the porch in his usual spot,
he softly whispered to himself.
"I know I'm unlovable,
you don't have to tell me."
He didn't feel a need to run anymore,
nor did he get the slightest urge to escape.
He just wanted to hide,
for now hiding from everything that troubled him was the best solution.
That is of course until he convinced himself of an even better one,
his mood usually determined the length of time.
Knowing where she always kept a spare key,
for he had disposed of his some time ago.
He let himself in,
it made it easier because she always left the porch light on.
Closing the door behind him he put his small pack down,
message received loud and clear.

This time last year was the shittiest point in my early twenties and some days I'm still reeling from the effects of my self loathing, Isolation, and shitty attitude. I still feel those feelings, and sometimes I don't think I'll ever find a solution. I also still don't know if it's good or detrimental. It's something I suppose I'll be handling for the rest of my days.

Twenty three. safety net

I have been inside for far too many nights, and if I don't leave the house soon I'm afraid I never will. My safety net, my band, my best friends are out doing fun things with each other. I'm the one that is never called because I have work and they figure I'll be too tired. I still wish I would have the option to say no or yes.

My ability to feel young and care free is dwindling with each minute and I just feel that in order for me to keep what shed of mental stability I have left  I need to hang out with them on some kind of daily basis.  I feel like I'm losing touch, and turning into something obsolete as far as friendship goes. Someone they don't need or want around and I don't want to become anything that closely resembles that description.

If that happens then I have nothing, and although I may act like like I want nothing it's simply not true. I want and need that safety net they so excellently provide for me and my stupid brain

twenty two. rack em up rack em up

I will never get tired of this movie

21. Bend and you wave

There is rotten produce in the refrigerator, and little to nothing to defrost and cook in the freezer. All the cereal is close to being finished, were out of sugar, and almost out of coffee. If I didn't have tea I'd say I'm facing a serious problem; I however have plenty and am on my third cup. The house is quiet and all the lights were off when I got home. I've been online since then, looking for something to slowly murder my time. So I'm updating. I've been itching to write so I figure its only appropriate. 

I've been in a slightly steady frame of mind which once again I can't tell if its helpful or detrimental to my mental health. Fuck it I've lost interest I'll come back to this another time

"Start over, it's no way to begin"

Twenty. Acquiescence

I have been blindingly busy, There hasn't really been much time for me to monitor my focus on something for more than five minutes. I write a lot in my private journal on my fancy commuter train, I eat well, I read, I started exercising again, I work too fucking much at a job that I'm really good at pretending to care about, and I allow my mind to wander to deep recesses I never thought possible. It's all the same trivial bullshit that I have been writing for twenty or so journal entries, I'm sick of writing it, and I'm sure whoever reads this shit is sick of reading it. This bit is no fucking different. I need coherent passion and be able to focus on something for more than five minutes.  Music does it for me, I love kassi and I love my dog, I just allow myself to get paranoid because of my inability to focus. Thats the other constant Paranoia, and inabilities. A Horrible way t conduct your daily life if you ask me, but you get used to it after a while.

nineteen. unfit

I am unfit to love and unfit for commitment.

In my own mind

Despite all your efforts for love and affection, I convince myself I'll never be good enough.

But I'll always love you

eighteen. lost a lifetime ago it seems

I'm falling into a routine, something that I've always hated.

I miss my sense of responsibility to my loved ones.

I miss the feeling of being young.

I miss my band.

I miss not being worried about anything.

Youth is wasted on the young and it always will be.

seventeen. Hope for the human race?

Humans, 

I hold you in no esteem whatsoever. You're all useless overweight sacks of capitalist consumer minded recessive traits. Lazy, ugly, racist, and just flat out stupid; every single last one of you. The one thing that would restore my faith is that if Obama is the next person to sit in office. IF that war mongering, fence sitting, ecosystem destroying, flip flopping evil son of a bitch McCain continues the reign of the fourth reich. Then I'll Just lose it.

Sincerely,

Sean

sixteen. George Hirsch

"We are all products of "The New Wave Of American Hardcore" act accordingly. Lie about, everything. Demand, more money. Complain about, everything. Respect no one, secretly. Praise what is "cool", publicly. Use, everyone. Get to the top, quickly. Change, nothing but your identity. Gain a false sense of importance, now. Fool, everyone. Leave me alone, Forever".

That excerpt was taken from his last blog entry. I'm not sure what it is about this person, the music he is involved with, the words he writes, or the lyrical chances you get to see inside his head for two loud minutes or less but I respect him as a musician and person more than any frontman in music right now. I don't know him and I've never spoken to him for more than a total of  ten minutes, but whatever it is it's nothing but respect.  His every action a "fuck you" and every breath is honesty. I can relate to how he feels and sometimes I don't really know why.  With the current state of independent music and hardcore especially Everyone acts like their shit doesn't stink and everyone plays favorites in waves . They all whisper secrets to each other in groups of five or more in between sets. It's sickening.

Something was lost along the way, and I've never been a  hardcore or punk purist preaching the gospel to the mournful choir. But where the fuck did it go sour? Al I want to do is enjoy music and find something to latch onto.  Something to believe in, and something to love. I don't want to hear about who's fucking who, who's buying what, and who wants to fight who. I don't care I have enough problems, you have enough problems I didn't start listening to punk rock to hear about everyone elses problems in the crowd. I started listening to punk rock because I related to and understood the problems they were yelling about. Not an escape, but more of a catharsis. I know were all different and everyone handles things differently, but ask yourself why you did this in the first place. Take a long hard look in the mirror and think why you are who you are, and why you do what you do. If you question it for one second, you're in the wrong business.

Whatever it is you do George and Blacklisted keep doing it. Keep doing it, and I'll keep respecting it Keep speaking and I'll keep listening. Never stop moving and I will never stop watching.

fifteen. This town has dragged you down

You just haven't earned it yet baby

fourteen. so to speak

This was us sitting in her apartment just killing time, watching movies, eating ice cream and being ridiculous. Something I needed that week more than any medicine, record, book, or nap.
This is Kassi taking a picture of the Elliott Smith memorial wall in downtown Los Angeles, fans come by the wall and write lyrics or messages to let someone know how much Elliott Smith, and his music meant to him or her. I chose to write "I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow" followed by my name and the date. It was pretty quiet for downtown LA and almost surreal to be standing there, the air was perfect, cool, and relaxing. One of my favorite nights
This was taken at the Sunset Cliffs in San Diego California The water was crystal clear, it wasn't too hot, and there were people jumping into the ocean. Perfect Time of day to be there.
This is my triumph over the cliffs, as you can see I am clearly the victor.
This is me in love with something real.

I needed this week away, but you can never run from your problems totally. I came home to stress, a headache, and nothing to eat. Scott graciously picked me up at 830 this morning and we went to breakfast. I had a big coffee and a bagel with some butter. Then we came home and I saw milo who surprisingly didn't chew anything or wreck anything he was just as excited to see me as I was to see him.  I opened my bills, a phone bill for $175...., and American express bill of course, the new Trash Talk LP, and my healthcare "credit card". I unpacked, cleaned my room, changed my sheets, and vaccumed, The whole time with Kassi on my mind. I broke my phone after a fight with my mother about money and subsequently my future  which is leading me to buy a new phone(more money)

Kassi will be here in two weeks and it's all I can think about, at least I have zelda, mario galaxy and some new movies to watch until then.

I have nothing else of substance to say, brad is taking too long

thirteen. kiss all my friends goodbye

I'm bored. I'm so unbearably bored that it is starting to have serious detrimental effects on my mood. I never want to do anything with anyone anymore, I usually just find myself waiting for something to fall in my lap. Some kind of anonymous "salvation" to rescue me from the doldrums of my early twenties. I don't write much, I haven't picked up a book in weeks I just sit and stare, this is the most writing I've done in quite some time.  When I do go out, all I can think about is going home and counting the days. I was out two nights ago in red bank, and I walked home. Too many people, too many undesirable faces that I could have done without seeing. Just soured my mood, so instead of sucking it up I let it take me and I walked home angry it was a long fucking walk. Kassi called me during that time to which I described my mood, told her I almost got hit by a car, which subsequently led to me wasting what was left of my iced tea, as well as the incessant description of just how fucking long that walk was. She worries about me a lot, and that she just "wants to make me happy" Finally someone that gives a shit. I feel her reaction is a bit contrived as well as naive, she doesn't know me well enough yet to know that I'm like this most days, and while I'm in a great mood when I see her or speak to her i can usually turn that around without much notice.

I'm running out of things to do with myself, as well as ideas to fix my head. I get the feeling lately that people are starting to care almost as much as I do, which isn't much at all.

pressure's on

twelve. let's face it

I want to be someone else or I'll explode

eleven. All Apologies

I'm not witty, I'm not original, I'm not mean, I'm not kind, I'm not tough, I'm not weak, I'm not quiet, I'm not loud. 

Lately I don't know what I've been feeling. I'm not entirely happy nor am I depressed, It feels kind of like an emotional purgatory. I'm sort of just stuck in the middle of feeling trying to figure out my next move. It's the only logical definition I have right now, if I even need one. I guess it's necessary, but feeling this way is more annoying than anything. Inconsistency annoys  me almost as much as uncertainty, I don't want to know the future, but having a couple of hints dropped in my lap every once in a while wouldn't be so bad. Speaking of inconsistency, it's all i know of night and day no with little to no variation. The constants are few and far between. I know that everyday I will wake up miserable and drive to a shitty job that I hate(why I'm still there is beyond my control), My dog will be excited to see me when I come home, Late night texts from Kassi, I will have a headache, and eat an apple. That's really about it and I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want to be comfortable, because comfort leads to boredom but I hate not knowing what is going on. 

In other news my father and stepmother still refuse to acknowledge the fact that they know how to operate the keypad on their fancy touchscreen telephones. It's been three(or so) months since I have spoken to my father. I used to call once or twice a week but I got sick of leaving voicemail messages with no return courtesy call. So I gave up. My stepmother will text me until her fingers bleed about how I need to call my father and how I need to talk to him. What about me? Why doesn't he call me if the fact that me not bothering to put the effort in anymore affects him so much. WHERE'S THE EFFORT ON YOUR END DAD? You've been fucking stupid for the last 23 years and I'm finally old and frustrated enough to call you out on your bullshit. OWN UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR ACTIONS. If I am ever lucky enough to raise a child, boy or girl I will never be anything you have proven yourself to be. Fuck you pick up a phone and show me you care.

We're playing a show tonight, with some of our good friends I'm excited I guess with our luck none of them will watch us because they'll be too busy getting drunk outside, or coming up with excuses I've heard before to not come support their friends endeavors.

Old friends have proven themselves to be selfish inconsistent liars while new friends rely on apathy and the mistake of kindness for weakness to show how much they "care".

I'm over it

ten. The sanest days are mad

How do you stay in one spot when there is an entire world for you to explore? People, faces, cities, sights, the open road. How do you sit still? When you have built a world and life for yourself, and you are disgusted simply by the thought of it how do you stay? What keeps you here? If it isn't what you made than what is it? You don't get the answers by continually asking questions, you simply do. Life is trial and error, do and do not, hypothesis and conclusion.

Get up off of your couch and do.

I'm going completely mental, I look back fondly on days of lucidity and laugh my ass off.

nine. I'll never get it

I'm Twenty-three, I'm dating a girl that I am in love with and as far as she tells me is in love with me.

We talk alot, have been pretty open with each other, and when asked questions that deserve honesty we never give each other anything less than that.

So why is it that I have to find out somewhat important information second hand?

I'll seriously never ever get it, ever.

eight. crazy from the heat

I FUCKING HATE SUMMERTIME

seven. human emotion

My mind works in shifts, and thinks in emotion. These shifts could change for the better, the worse, throughout the day, week, or month. The shifts always change, and never meet in the middle. I'm currently in the middle of a shift change. For the past couple of days I've been thinking about emotions. Human emotions in particular, the basics you know love, hate, joy, melancholy, apathy, laziness, etc.  Most in particular "love",  such a powerful word. The dictionary defines "love" as a noun as well as a verb and its meaning as a "profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person". This is simply not true. As people or individuals rather, we are all different we handle situations differently, act different, talk different, and develop our own definitions and meanings for something that people as a whole think is so easily defined, like "love". "Love" is the most complicated thing to define, and wrap your head around because it means something different to each person, so why do people as a whole use a word like that so loosely? "I love you", " I love this song", " I love this city", and so on. Why do you love it?, "I'm not sure, I just do". You copout sack of recessive traits, people as a whole also sorely underestimate the power of words and how they're used. Why do you love me? Why do you love this song? Why in the fuck would you love a city like this? 

When something as powerful as that is said, it needs to be made quite clear why its being said, and what it means. You never know who is going to be listening to you, or how it could effect them.

I'm not sure exactly what this entry is supposed to mean, or exactly what I was trying to get across, but perhaps in time you could develop your own definition, or maybe I could do the same for myself. Perhaps I shouldn't be as cryptic and just write exactly what is on my mind at all times, and stop mentally battling myself.

six. How Far Can I go?

These five days went by faster than I would have liked them to. Of course when you have something good it likes to breeze right past you so you only have enough time to inhale and exhale, but never enough time to take it and enjoy it for what it actually is. Today went by the fastest, all I remember was waking up in a hurry so we could get a table for pancakes, then wiping away her goddamn tears after we forced food down because we both knew they wouldn't serve any food on the plane. Now we are forced to resort to video chats, text messages, and five am phone calls before I go to work until I get to see her again. I'm trying hard to keep my head above water lately, not only with Kassi, but with my entire existence in general. My job is a joke there is no question about it, but I know damn well that I didn't work as hard as I did for five years and drive myself crazy to earn my degree to waste whatever talent I may have in a super market. I refuse. 

Today I made the promise to myself that by the middle to the end of the month of june I will be out of that wretched hole some people happily call their career, and using my brain and ingenuity towards something productive within my field.

It Isn't all negativity with me, I would like to currently extend my appreciation to the existence of the following people.

Brad Joseph Glazer-Swift: 

we are going to be friends for six years once July rolls around. He is still the most loyal friend that I have, and will always stick by me no matter the situation. Although we disagree on petty shit, like musical tastes, it's all love and couldn't ask for a better best friend.

Brendan Silas Perry: Relaxed, collected, calm, funny, talented, and just as depressed, pissed, heartbroken and just as fucked in the head as the rest of us. An excellent guitar player, and an even better band mate, I'm glad we have gotten as close as we are, a big heart with a lot to offer to someone. Backed

Mark Luckasavage: I have known mark the longest out of any of the other members of my band. The first thing that I can say about him is that his talent has grown in exponential amounts. Over the past 2 or so years he has become more focused, experimental, and tighter as a drummer. His abilities as a friend and band mate only mirror his drumming. Good dude, catches a lot of unnecessary shit, but never flinches or falters, continues to roll with the punches , with a goofy smile on his face. One of my best.

Kwame Korkor: Out of the three, I have known Kwame the least amount of time and when I think about it it just bums me out. Kwame is intelligent, a brilliant fucking bass player, pissed off, forthright, honest, and is never ever afraid to tell it how it is and/or call you out on your shit. A good person all around and I am honored to call him a friend and tighten the already strong bond we have created.

You already know how stoked I am on Kassi Ostrander. I hope that we figure this mess we have thrown ourselves into soon, because this is what will probably drive me off the deep end. She is wonderful and came around at a pretty good time. I just hope that it lasts, or at least turns out the way we both are hoping it turns out.

Other than that, my patience is nearly out, and I am worn the thinnest I have ever been. So frustrated and free of mild temperament the smallest most insignificant details irritate me the most. I hate it. 

I'm still searching and still coming up empty handed. I'm not looking for someone to throw me a life raft I can make my own way, no one is going to help me but myself. It's time I took rightful ownership of my life. Even if I am still frustrated and angry, I'll at least know where I stand in the world

five. Today

-my minor case of writers block may or may not be over

-last night was a stupid idea

-Chuck Ragan

-She gets in at 11:05

-we're getting vinyl pressed

-life could change in five hours

-I love my dog

-my house is clean

-All I can think about right now is getting chinese food

-and I need to get in shape

four. one of those days

The frustration I harbor towards my life grows with each day that passes. I'm sick of working a dead end nowhere job with the same nowhere people, I'm sick of doing nothing with my degree, I'm sick of being broke, Im sick of paying bills, I'm sick of living in this nowhere town. I'm sick of complacency and settling for what is easy, I may be angry but that doesn't mean I can't direct that frustration towards the negative things that inhibit me.

I am sick of reminding myself of my father.

The time for me to change myself for the better is now, I won't be a slave to second best anymore, I refuse to let myself become the bastards that infest, infect, and curse my family, and curse my name. I am not you,  I will never be you, I taught myself better than that.

never ever again

three. sunblind

Now that the headache from the other day has worn off and is in perspective, I laugh about it to myself and with the rest of my friends, it's a good one. Today isn't really going to consist of all that much, I had the most perfect breakfast which consists of a bowl of honey nut cheerios, chocolate milk,  which is later followed up by a cup of tea, I suggest you try this formula. As far as the rest of today I'm probably going to walk milo, and read the breakfast of champions until I go and see paint it black tonight, which should be fun. 

I have come to find that as of late my writing is boring, lacking content, creativity and overall thought. I used to be able to create entire worlds, people and places which somehow intertwined with my own, soaked in metaphors, and feeding the starved for thought. This is just updates on my life lately, and that is fucking unbearably boring, not even I want to read it. I guess you cant be overly creative 24/7 but I like to be more often than not, It makes me feel like I'm getting work done. Which brings to mind another thought I've been having lately. I'm writing more in an attempt to fill the void that no schoolwork has left. It sounds crazy but the only reason I miss school is because I don't use my brain anymore, I don't apply my thoughts to anything that isn't being graded or picked apart. So I write and read more than I ever used to, I am filling the void I just never thought I would miss school, especially for the reasons I just listed. It could be better, there's no doubt about it So I'm going to work to make it better.

This is boring, I've got nothing of substance to say today

two. todays headache

Your pathetic attempts to make me look bad, drag me down, make me feel bad, only make you look like more of an asshole. This isn't even worth the server space it's taking up but it's the only way you'll ever communicate.

Game over, hang it up chump.

one.

This is a new forum for me, because I was sick of the cliches of live journal, so I opted for the cliches of the dot-blogspot world which seemed more than appropriate.  I plan on using this for the same things I used my previous forums for, life updates, short stories, cryptic poetry, and maybe some pictures, I haven't settled on a cohesive theme yet but I suppose I will just stick to the aforementioned. 

I have a band, the band is named troublemaker. 

We played in  New Brunswick New Jersey two nights ago along with flesh temple, black kites, Jerk City and Reign Supreme who headlined the show. This was probably our best set ever (not to sound cocky) everything sounded tight, heavy, and damn near perfect. There must have been 50 people in that tiny space with even more listening outside. I have never been so proud to be in a band with people that believe in what we do like I am with troublemaker. We get it, we get each other, and they are three of the most talented people I have ever been privileged to play music with.  Lyrically I deal with my own life, and the various problems I face on a daily basis I don't make my lyrics public but they aren't hard to decipher if you listen to the songs, speaking of songs we recorded a demo finally. 

I'm very proud of it, and I think I speak for the rest of my band when I say that I'm proud of it.

Self promotion and gloating over.

I have a feeling that within the next 6 days my life is going to shift dramatically, I don't know if I am even remotely ready for that.

until next time