Saturday, July 5, 2008

thirteen. kiss all my friends goodbye

I'm bored. I'm so unbearably bored that it is starting to have serious detrimental effects on my mood. I never want to do anything with anyone anymore, I usually just find myself waiting for something to fall in my lap. Some kind of anonymous "salvation" to rescue me from the doldrums of my early twenties. I don't write much, I haven't picked up a book in weeks I just sit and stare, this is the most writing I've done in quite some time.  When I do go out, all I can think about is going home and counting the days. I was out two nights ago in red bank, and I walked home. Too many people, too many undesirable faces that I could have done without seeing. Just soured my mood, so instead of sucking it up I let it take me and I walked home angry it was a long fucking walk. Kassi called me during that time to which I described my mood, told her I almost got hit by a car, which subsequently led to me wasting what was left of my iced tea, as well as the incessant description of just how fucking long that walk was. She worries about me a lot, and that she just "wants to make me happy" Finally someone that gives a shit. I feel her reaction is a bit contrived as well as naive, she doesn't know me well enough yet to know that I'm like this most days, and while I'm in a great mood when I see her or speak to her i can usually turn that around without much notice.

I'm running out of things to do with myself, as well as ideas to fix my head. I get the feeling lately that people are starting to care almost as much as I do, which isn't much at all.

pressure's on

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