Wednesday, June 18, 2008

eleven. All Apologies

I'm not witty, I'm not original, I'm not mean, I'm not kind, I'm not tough, I'm not weak, I'm not quiet, I'm not loud. 

Lately I don't know what I've been feeling. I'm not entirely happy nor am I depressed, It feels kind of like an emotional purgatory. I'm sort of just stuck in the middle of feeling trying to figure out my next move. It's the only logical definition I have right now, if I even need one. I guess it's necessary, but feeling this way is more annoying than anything. Inconsistency annoys  me almost as much as uncertainty, I don't want to know the future, but having a couple of hints dropped in my lap every once in a while wouldn't be so bad. Speaking of inconsistency, it's all i know of night and day no with little to no variation. The constants are few and far between. I know that everyday I will wake up miserable and drive to a shitty job that I hate(why I'm still there is beyond my control), My dog will be excited to see me when I come home, Late night texts from Kassi, I will have a headache, and eat an apple. That's really about it and I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want to be comfortable, because comfort leads to boredom but I hate not knowing what is going on. 

In other news my father and stepmother still refuse to acknowledge the fact that they know how to operate the keypad on their fancy touchscreen telephones. It's been three(or so) months since I have spoken to my father. I used to call once or twice a week but I got sick of leaving voicemail messages with no return courtesy call. So I gave up. My stepmother will text me until her fingers bleed about how I need to call my father and how I need to talk to him. What about me? Why doesn't he call me if the fact that me not bothering to put the effort in anymore affects him so much. WHERE'S THE EFFORT ON YOUR END DAD? You've been fucking stupid for the last 23 years and I'm finally old and frustrated enough to call you out on your bullshit. OWN UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR ACTIONS. If I am ever lucky enough to raise a child, boy or girl I will never be anything you have proven yourself to be. Fuck you pick up a phone and show me you care.

We're playing a show tonight, with some of our good friends I'm excited I guess with our luck none of them will watch us because they'll be too busy getting drunk outside, or coming up with excuses I've heard before to not come support their friends endeavors.

Old friends have proven themselves to be selfish inconsistent liars while new friends rely on apathy and the mistake of kindness for weakness to show how much they "care".

I'm over it

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