eleven. All Apologies

I'm not witty, I'm not original, I'm not mean, I'm not kind, I'm not tough, I'm not weak, I'm not quiet, I'm not loud. 

Lately I don't know what I've been feeling. I'm not entirely happy nor am I depressed, It feels kind of like an emotional purgatory. I'm sort of just stuck in the middle of feeling trying to figure out my next move. It's the only logical definition I have right now, if I even need one. I guess it's necessary, but feeling this way is more annoying than anything. Inconsistency annoys  me almost as much as uncertainty, I don't want to know the future, but having a couple of hints dropped in my lap every once in a while wouldn't be so bad. Speaking of inconsistency, it's all i know of night and day no with little to no variation. The constants are few and far between. I know that everyday I will wake up miserable and drive to a shitty job that I hate(why I'm still there is beyond my control), My dog will be excited to see me when I come home, Late night texts from Kassi, I will have a headache, and eat an apple. That's really about it and I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want to be comfortable, because comfort leads to boredom but I hate not knowing what is going on. 

In other news my father and stepmother still refuse to acknowledge the fact that they know how to operate the keypad on their fancy touchscreen telephones. It's been three(or so) months since I have spoken to my father. I used to call once or twice a week but I got sick of leaving voicemail messages with no return courtesy call. So I gave up. My stepmother will text me until her fingers bleed about how I need to call my father and how I need to talk to him. What about me? Why doesn't he call me if the fact that me not bothering to put the effort in anymore affects him so much. WHERE'S THE EFFORT ON YOUR END DAD? You've been fucking stupid for the last 23 years and I'm finally old and frustrated enough to call you out on your bullshit. OWN UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR ACTIONS. If I am ever lucky enough to raise a child, boy or girl I will never be anything you have proven yourself to be. Fuck you pick up a phone and show me you care.

We're playing a show tonight, with some of our good friends I'm excited I guess with our luck none of them will watch us because they'll be too busy getting drunk outside, or coming up with excuses I've heard before to not come support their friends endeavors.

Old friends have proven themselves to be selfish inconsistent liars while new friends rely on apathy and the mistake of kindness for weakness to show how much they "care".

I'm over it

ten. The sanest days are mad

How do you stay in one spot when there is an entire world for you to explore? People, faces, cities, sights, the open road. How do you sit still? When you have built a world and life for yourself, and you are disgusted simply by the thought of it how do you stay? What keeps you here? If it isn't what you made than what is it? You don't get the answers by continually asking questions, you simply do. Life is trial and error, do and do not, hypothesis and conclusion.

Get up off of your couch and do.

I'm going completely mental, I look back fondly on days of lucidity and laugh my ass off.

nine. I'll never get it

I'm Twenty-three, I'm dating a girl that I am in love with and as far as she tells me is in love with me.

We talk alot, have been pretty open with each other, and when asked questions that deserve honesty we never give each other anything less than that.

So why is it that I have to find out somewhat important information second hand?

I'll seriously never ever get it, ever.

eight. crazy from the heat

I FUCKING HATE SUMMERTIME

seven. human emotion

My mind works in shifts, and thinks in emotion. These shifts could change for the better, the worse, throughout the day, week, or month. The shifts always change, and never meet in the middle. I'm currently in the middle of a shift change. For the past couple of days I've been thinking about emotions. Human emotions in particular, the basics you know love, hate, joy, melancholy, apathy, laziness, etc.  Most in particular "love",  such a powerful word. The dictionary defines "love" as a noun as well as a verb and its meaning as a "profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person". This is simply not true. As people or individuals rather, we are all different we handle situations differently, act different, talk different, and develop our own definitions and meanings for something that people as a whole think is so easily defined, like "love". "Love" is the most complicated thing to define, and wrap your head around because it means something different to each person, so why do people as a whole use a word like that so loosely? "I love you", " I love this song", " I love this city", and so on. Why do you love it?, "I'm not sure, I just do". You copout sack of recessive traits, people as a whole also sorely underestimate the power of words and how they're used. Why do you love me? Why do you love this song? Why in the fuck would you love a city like this? 

When something as powerful as that is said, it needs to be made quite clear why its being said, and what it means. You never know who is going to be listening to you, or how it could effect them.

I'm not sure exactly what this entry is supposed to mean, or exactly what I was trying to get across, but perhaps in time you could develop your own definition, or maybe I could do the same for myself. Perhaps I shouldn't be as cryptic and just write exactly what is on my mind at all times, and stop mentally battling myself.