54. Standing Trial

Allow me this one brief moment to lay all of my thoughts in my head onto an online format. If simply for the sake of my own peace of mind.

I'm tired of being afraid to take chances. I'm tired of living in the same place. I'm tired of the same faces, the same stop signs, the same lack of sidewalks, this awful wallpaper that my mother saw fit to hang up. I'm tired of my job, the lack of equipment upkeep over the last ten years, the hole in the floor, leaky pipes, ugly panini presses, broken refrigerator doors, combination locks that stick, and the lack of help from anyone but me. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being afflicted with constant wanderlust. It's a disease, a condition, a desire that will never be filled. A goal that will never be met. I don't care about money, I don't care about being healthy, I don't care about a steady paycheck, I don't care about a mailing address, I don't care about groceries, I don't care about the floor being swept or not, I don't care about building lasting functional relationships, I don't care whether or not I'm alone. I just want to be happy with the person I am. I feel like I haven't given myself the chance to find whoever or whatever that is. The only finger I need to point is my own at myself. It's no one else's fault but mine because I'm afraid. I'm practically terrified. I'm tired of standing trial in front of myself. I'm the only judge and jury I will ever answer to, thats a fact. I'm just looking for a new job. 

I hate having to beat myself up over nothing all the time. 

How do you plead?

53. mixtapes

I'm making these again.

I believe in the power of other people saying things for you when you just can't seem to find the right things to say.

52. In the kitchen again

I'm folding my laundry after a long day of nothing. Work starts in 8 hours, and any normal person would be in bed right? Good thing I'm not any normal person.  I'm listening to SQRM for the first time. I like it. Spastic, raw, and snotty.  Attritbutes that should be embodied by every "punk" band, I think. If you are into that kind of thing I highly suggest that you look them up on the internet. They have no web page, no myspace, no nothing. They're from Massachusetts and the only way to hear them is to go see them or download it. I'm not going to post any links on here so just find them for yourself. SQRM, do not sleep.

Moving on. 

Listen, I read things, I read into even more. Maybe a lot more than any regular person should. I go over scenarios, details, and outlooks in my head until it physically hurts to think about them. I'm not as stupid, or as naive as you would maybe like to think I am. If you truly feel the way you do, if you are physically disgusted by me then come on out and tell me. Let me know. I've spent far too much time and put far too much effort into being one of the best friends I can be to you simply to have you feel the way you do. It's not a good feeling to have, I have enough to worry about. I don't want it to be like this I never did. 

51. Wanderlust

I'm craving travel

The big five O

Hello kitchen counter, it's me again. Your old friend, most trusted advisor, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to talk to, a hand to hold and support for your psyche. I'm just writing this to remind you that I'm still here whenever you need me. Those other people out there, they're not my real friends. Sure the play nice, have sincere smiles and firm handshakes but they don't mean it. They never did. As soon as you're out of the room the chatter starts, the eyes dart around the room, rumors are whispered in code, lies are spread in tongues. Nobody else here likes you, nobody else here needs you, nobody else here wants you. Nobody. Does it depress you to finally realize how alone you actually are? Does it hit you like a ton of bricks? Is it that sinking feeling in your stomach, or the pain in the back of your head? Its the smell of a cold room, and the feeling of even colder sheets. No one to kiss you goodnight, not one to wake up to. They don't want you, they don't need you. They never did, and they never will. You might think I'm crazy, talking to kitchen counters like this.  The truth is I need you just like you need me.No one is ever going to want us, no one is ever going to need us, no one is ever going to like us. Only you for me and me for you. Us. For an entire miserable eternity.

These lonely nights are getting to me. I count the hours, the minutes, the seconds, and how many times I blink in a day. I pray for clouds to lift, day to break, and a smile to return to my face.

"they keep calling me" 

49. Hank

48. Only pretty sure that I can't take anymore

I still hang on every word,

every smile.

Every kiss goodnight,

every time I heard the door open.

Every Time I had to wake up to "Armageddon",

every fucking cheeseburger.

I'm here, I'm listening,

47. i wanna go back...

this video just killed me

46.

I realize that most days I'm better off not talking to anyone. It proves itself to be less trouble that way.

45. still here, sincere

25 years old and still fucking void of direction. Time can change people drastically usually for the better. You can become more focused, positive, older and wiser. If there is one thing I'm sure of the years have only made me angrier, and more anxious. I'm older yes, and in some aspects wiser but I don't have a clue. I sit in my kitchen on my days off with a never ending pot of tea waiting for something to happen . Something beyond myself, something that to someone somewhere actually means something. I'm not going to get into a lengthy diatribe about how you can't just sit around and wait, you need to make your own destiny blah blah blah. I am fully aware of that. Painfully aware in fact. It's often quite debilitating when you know what to do and just can't gather the sand to do so. I'm so tired of complaining and writing these monotonous blogs I'm sick or re-reading them and if anyone reads this they're probably sick of it too.

My life hasn't been much of anything lately. The band is still playing shows and I still hate my job. I stay in the back for most of my shift now, I punch in, give a quick hello, get my tea, and punch out. Everyone used to be so nice and accepting. Watching from a distance you notice that everyone I work with is fucking cliquey and juvenile. They're nice to me when they need something and give me the cold shoulder when they feel like it. How hard is it to find a job where you actually like spending the bulk of your day with people you work with? It's so mundane and I always end up having to pick up the slack, I'm simply not there anymore.

Stay tuned

44.

Irving Plaza New York City October 31 2009.

We're off to see the Wizard....

Holiday

Action & Action

Valentine

Red Letter Day

Out of Reach

Ten Minutes

The Company Dime

My Apology

I'm A loner Dottie, A Rebel

Long Goodnight

Close To Home 

I'll Catch You

...The Wonderful Wizard of Oz...

Man Of Conviction

Coming Clean

One You Want

Off The Wagon

No Love

Campfire Kansas

Mass Pike

Keith Case...

"Would you stay for one night?

if i didn't come home?
the end of a big fight
doesn't matter anymore
at that point in my midlife
the situation stands
but hours pass like years
wish you were here 
wish you were here 
did I open an old wound?
is there something I should know?
is it's all ending so soon
how could we possibly let go?
comes to a head, this is high noon
the finale we had planned
but hours pass like years
wish you were here 
say the words so slow
say it without fear
you won't turn to go
you won't leave me here
and if the past is all we know
my memories are clear
wish you were here 
if I told you, were you listening?
did you know this from the start?
do the dates match exactly?
did you plan when we would part?
if I won't wait for another year
I guess you'll break my heart
it's true 
you already knew 
so take this as a souvenir
remember me, I'm waiting here
the disappointed, hanger on
who stayed behind while you moved on
wish you were here"

43: I want to

I want to be someone else or I'll explode

42: Concentrating on falling apart

I'm going to be 25 in eleven days. One would think that by twenty five , the average american male would have a steady well paying job, and place of his own, some kind of significant other, or large social circle, the ability to pay his bills on time, and a healthy mental state. What do I have to show for my age? I still live at home, I work in a local cafe which is starting to lose its appeal, I am single, have the worst brain in the history of brains and do nothing but think of what could have been if I had only thrown caution to the wind and jumped into the fire of uncertainty.  Sure I would have missed people places and familiarity, but at least I wouldn't have to be going through this. I wouldn't have to cry because I walked into my room, or new pictures, or early morning text messages. It's so hard to shake you. I'm so afraid I'm going to feel like this forever, I'm just plain afraid.  I wish I could be angry, I wish I didn't have to miss you,  I wish I wasn't still hopelessly in love with you, I wish I left with you that day, I wish I wasn't full of regret every fucking day. I wish I could get my head on straight. 

Happy Birthday to me

41: FUCK 40

we're back

40: Love Letters and Postcards

We were inseparable, the kind of people you couldn't break apart if you tried.

Not with the sharpest of knives, the heaviest of rocks, or the toughest of people.

Undefeated champions of friendship, dedicated to our craft, our misery and each other.

Days passed, months came and went, and its been a bout two years. Nothing physical came between us, just time.

Time happened, and growing older happened. Something no bond can resist.

I want "it" back, whatever it was I miss it and at this point I'll stop at nothing to get it back. All my chips are in, and I haven't folded my cards.

I just hope nobody else did.

39: Live my life for me and for no one else

I want to take this opportunity to express my deep and sincere adoration for what this band was. 

If you never heard Anderson Bradshaw speak in between songs, 

If you never put their records on in your car, your ipod your stereo, if you never went to see them in a live setting. 

Then you'll probably never get just what they meant to me, and not NEARLY enough people that aren't me. 

This band was truly a sight to behold, barring certain member current personal choices they were a band that stood up for what they believed in, 

said what they had to say, and did what they had to do regardless of what anyone had to say about it. 

Their tenure was something truly magical and something that I will not ever forget.

 

I saw a movie tonight and it really struck a chord with me. 

I dont say this about movies too often but there was certain dialogue and scenes that really related

to some of the emotions that I have been feeling. 

A reaction like that is rare and I had to pause for a moment within it just to remember what it was like.

Interesting how something so small and "meaningless" like movie dialogue can be related to something so drastic within you

nodding out.

38: go back to the start

I have never felt so many intricate emotions at once. Never could have imagined anything would hurt this much.

After a year of building solid foundations and replacing broken parts, those pieces just go missing all over again.

I haven't stopped thinking about you

37: Let the pictures do the talking

thirty six: Turn your hymnal to Chapter Matthew, Verse: Skiba

Don't cry, or stop to wonder why, we crashed out like thunder, on the floor or down from the ceiling, it's been nice waking up next to you.

thirty five: set stubborn on standing

This is not getting any easier and I feel like it hasn't even begun.

I hate that I'm going through this.

I hate that I'm writing this for the whole world to see.

I am weighed down, with thousands of miles between us.

I feel like there's more to the story, that there's clues to the answers right in front of my face waiting to be found so I can smile again.

It's so easy to tell that I am not right lately, that I'm not "all there", it's written all over my face and getting so much harder to hide.

I feel like this is all my fault, and if I had just said the things that you wanted to hear, none of this would be happening.

If I wasn't so set in in my routine, if I wasn't so scared you wouldn't be so against me leaving this place for a while.

I need you, for as much as that scares you; I need you.

It scares me too.

This is as plain as I can put it.

 

I wear rubber bands on my wrist instead of tying string around my finger so I don't forget.

thirty four: I can't give what I can't take

I want to know what brave is.

I'm tired of sitting here pretending I'm not fucking dangerous.

thirty three: someone take these dreams away

twenty nine years ago today.

I wish you could see the impact you had.

thirty two: ...

I must have fucking rocks in my head or something.

I've never thought this long, or this hard about something and not come to a concrete decision. Every time I start to make my way towards completion I end up back at the beginning.

Rocks, it has to be the rocks.

thirty one: well here I am, don't know how to say this.

Continents are shifting within my body, mind and soul. I have been going through emotional stress and trauma for the last two months or so up until 2 weeks ago, when I left for the Coachella Festival with Kassi. First let me preface by saying I had an entry lined up with all the music that has changed my life and impacted me in one way or another but I let it sit for too long and have no idea what to do with it.

Moving on, times have been rough at 55 bradley. I hate(d) my job a lot and it was having a detrimental effect on how I perceived and treated others especially my girlfriend, and mother. You take it out on the people you love most, right? Kassi and I fought too much for my liking and it made me frustrated. piled on top of the fact that she was and has been extremely homesick and frequently expressed interest in moving back home after school. This terrified me. It was something neither of us had to deal with before, and we didn't think of the consequences, The "OK now what?".  Life was killing us, our schedules were killing us, and the only thing we had to blame was us.

Then we went to Coachella. Must have been the air, or the tailwind that got us there an hour early, or the cookie sandwich and burrito gutbombs we inhaled. Maybe it was the look of comfort and happiness on her face when she got that terrible awful polluted air in her lungs, but I'll be damned if that wasn't a look I would punch a kitten to see every day. In between coughing and wheezing, I stole glances and snuck the most peeks, but she looked so happy. Even if I was tired and cranky. From that moment the whole weekend was good. Just needed a spark, some kind of catalyst for us to feel like us again. Whatever it was I felt it again. and I'm still feeling it.

Its something I dont want to shake.

I'm ending this here before the whole point of the entry is lost on rambling.

Twenty Nine. Come on in

Today I thought of something.  You are the train, on a snow covered day. I am the tracks that  need to be set on fire. Just a small fire. Without me, without this fire you couldn't get anywhere. You would derail, and we would be left with nothing. You'd be a broken train with no tracks, and I would be tracks without a train. You just can't have one, without the other.

For as much as I try to come up with really depressing topics to make myself seem introspective and more interesting. You hold fast as a reoccurring theme, something inside me is shifting.

twenty eight. Bastards of Young

I like this picture, it makes me feel like I'm trapped in a simpler time, where everything goes my way, I never have to worry, and my hair isn't falling out.

I love my girlfriend very much. She's going to make an excellent pastry chef.

I spent the last two days at kriers house doing things that you cannot know about. However, I can say that I am thoroughly pleased with how things are are turning out, and I am very VERY proud of my support system. I love bradah baker.

I am in an extremely strange mood today, I feel as if this post is reflecting it.

twenty seven. don't depend on hope to get you by

This album is going to change the course of musical history. I have never had more faith in a group of individuals that come together where this is the outcome.

At the risk of being called a name dropper I have known these people for a very long time, I've seen them at their best worst and everything in between. I walked from Penn station to I know how much of themselves they have tirelessly poured into the inception, recording and completion of this record. It has taken what seems like forever and finally on the cusp of being released they're simultaneously breathing nervous sighs of relief. So am I.   I know that we haven't stayed in touch due to schedules getting in the way and the perils of getting older but I have never felt more proud of anyone or anything than I do for Collin, Leif, Chris and Hodge (because yes he recorded the record). I can't wait til this falls like and 800 ton sack of atomic death in to the collective lap of the masses and everyone has to sit back and rethink and relearn everything they thought about insightful music and lyrics.

This is going to change everything, and for that I am honored, humbled and proud. Maybe one day they will see this.

twenty six. Clever Swine

"The Passing of time, and all of its sickening crimes is making me sad again."