Thursday, April 29, 2010

68. I'm sorry my mistake.

It was a long day, I spent 13 hours out of the house. Eleven in a dingy disgusting kitchen, making food that I despised, with people that I hated. The only respite serving me was that in eight short days I would be free from the shackles of neurotic penny pinchers and arrogant "drop outs". My time was coming up, and I couldn't keep the smile from my lips.  The time came after I was done scrubbing the shame from the stainless steel surfaces, "I don't need you anymore" you said in your signature snark. " Some things never do change", I muttered. Snapping right back at me with some disgusting little quip, you were called "fucking ridiculous" and I got my shit and walked out. Wondering all the while how bad you planned on screwing me on my paycheck. I know you will. 
Eight years of sometimes unbelievable treatment came to an end on monday, and something still didn't seem right despite my new found freedom. A Strange air surrounded me for the bulk of the day, mostly transforming itself into catatonia and dead pan stares. I worked out, I didn't eat, I went home. Just like any other day.
Then you called, asking to come over I could smell the desperation on the receiver. Begrudgingly, I obliged the request, you push your issues way too hard. I needed to wash the day off me. You, in a rare show of rudeness decided to 'just let yourself in'. Strike one. You were playing with my dogs, strike two.  I passed out on the couch. you undressed and went to bed.  you kissed me good night and I could taste the menthol and orbit gum concoction you decided to greet me with. Disgusted,  I turned over and faced my record shelf, declaring that today is the day where I'm better off completely alone.
You weren't the one that ruined me, you're just catching the tail end of a life of rejection and people saying goodbye.

I'm rolling up the doormat, and wheeling out the bricks and mortar.

Friday, April 23, 2010

67. Idiot Wind

Idiot Wind

Someone’s got it in for me, they’re planting stories in the press
Whoever it is I wish they’d cut it out but when they will I can only guess
They say I shot a man named Gray and took his wife to Italy
She inherited a million bucks and when she died it came to me
I can’t help it if I’m lucky

People see me all the time and they just can’t remember how to act
Their minds are filled with big ideas, images and distorted facts
Even you, yesterday you had to ask me where it was at
I couldn’t believe after all these years, you didn’t know me better than that
Sweet lady

Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your mouth
Blowing down the backroads headin’ south
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth
You’re an idiot, babe
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe

I ran into the fortune-teller, who said beware of lightning that might strike
I haven’t known peace and quiet for so long I can’t remember what it’s like
There’s a lone soldier on the cross, smoke pourin’ out of a boxcar door
You didn’t know it, you didn’t think it could be done, in the final end he won the wars
After losin’ every battle

I woke up on the roadside, daydreamin’ ’bout the way things sometimes are
Visions of your chestnut mare shoot through my head and are makin’ me see stars
You hurt the ones that I love best and cover up the truth with lies
One day you’ll be in the ditch, flies buzzin’ around your eyes
Blood on your saddle

Idiot wind, blowing through the flowers on your tomb
Blowing through the curtains in your room
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth
You’re an idiot, babe
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe

It was gravity which pulled us down and destiny which broke us apart
You tamed the lion in my cage but it just wasn’t enough to change my heart
Now everything’s a little upside down, as a matter of fact the wheels have stopped
What’s good is bad, what’s bad is good, you’ll find out when you reach the top
You’re on the bottom

I noticed at the ceremony, your corrupt ways had finally made you blind
I can’t remember your face anymore, your mouth has changed, your eyes
don’t look into mine
The priest wore black on the seventh day and sat stone-faced while the
building burned
I waited for you on the running boards, near the cypress trees, while the
springtime turned
Slowly into Autumn

Idiot wind, blowing like a circle around my skull
From the Grand Coulee Dam to the Capitol
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth
You’re an idiot, babe
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe

I can’t feel you anymore, I can’t even touch the books you’ve read
Every time I crawl past your door, I been wishin’ I was somebody else instead
Down the highway, down the tracks, down the road to ecstasy
I followed you beneath the stars, hounded by your memory
And all your ragin’ glory

I been double-crossed now for the very last time and now I’m finally free
I kissed goodbye the howling beast on the borderline which separated you from me
You’ll never know the hurt I suffered nor the pain I rise above
And I’ll never know the same about you, your holiness or your kind of love
And it makes me feel so sorry

Idiot wind, blowing through the buttons of our coats
Blowing through the letters that we wrote
Idiot wind, blowing through the dust upon our shelves
We’re idiots, babe
It’s a wonder we can even feed ourselves

Saturday, April 17, 2010

66. It's move or die

It's never going to be like it could have been.
Now it's just this room. (Window looks back.)
You're a big part of it.
But I don't care. (You take the lead.)
And can you really see me now
like I made me? (Made me anew.)
Just like
anyone else. (Safer alone.)

I could be scathing, I could drag your name through the mud, I could hate you forever and an eternity. I won't be, I never will, and I can't see myself hating you for that long. I don't know why I can't and I think I've earned the right to, I just can't bring myself to do it. The fight is slowly seeping out of every inch of my body, I know how much it supposedly bothers you. I just don't seem to mind that much anymore. 

Dedicated in loving memory to better days.


Monday, April 5, 2010

65. Finished lyrics- CMND/CTRL

Here are some finished troublemaker songs for whatever up coming release we're going to take our time on. 
I thought I would share them for anyone who is interested. 

The following song I would like to consider as a first hand account from a child eyes, 23 years later.

I'll take your abuse,

I'll confide in your "love".

I'll put on your ring

I'll walk down the aisle 

You take a swing

I force a smile

You took your meds

I took our child

Further away...

Further away

I'm rotting, decaying.

You're lifeless, degrading

This following song is dedicated to the greater Los Angeles area.


I, I never wanted this, I talk to no one and notice everything.

I, I never thought of the pain. I believe in nothing I doubt everything. 

I'm standing trial, and I'm so afraid. 

Being left alone is all I know. Selfless wreck with no room for growth.

I, I have no purpose and I hate all that I've become.

I always had to shoulder the guilt, but still crumble under the weight of your words.

I grind my teeth to the gums because I'm desperate.

I'm finding solace in nothing, full of resentment

You maintain your composure while I  just fall apart  

I still exist in my own self made mess

Thanks for reading.