six. How Far Can I go?

These five days went by faster than I would have liked them to. Of course when you have something good it likes to breeze right past you so you only have enough time to inhale and exhale, but never enough time to take it and enjoy it for what it actually is. Today went by the fastest, all I remember was waking up in a hurry so we could get a table for pancakes, then wiping away her goddamn tears after we forced food down because we both knew they wouldn't serve any food on the plane. Now we are forced to resort to video chats, text messages, and five am phone calls before I go to work until I get to see her again. I'm trying hard to keep my head above water lately, not only with Kassi, but with my entire existence in general. My job is a joke there is no question about it, but I know damn well that I didn't work as hard as I did for five years and drive myself crazy to earn my degree to waste whatever talent I may have in a super market. I refuse. 

Today I made the promise to myself that by the middle to the end of the month of june I will be out of that wretched hole some people happily call their career, and using my brain and ingenuity towards something productive within my field.

It Isn't all negativity with me, I would like to currently extend my appreciation to the existence of the following people.

Brad Joseph Glazer-Swift: 

we are going to be friends for six years once July rolls around. He is still the most loyal friend that I have, and will always stick by me no matter the situation. Although we disagree on petty shit, like musical tastes, it's all love and couldn't ask for a better best friend.

Brendan Silas Perry: Relaxed, collected, calm, funny, talented, and just as depressed, pissed, heartbroken and just as fucked in the head as the rest of us. An excellent guitar player, and an even better band mate, I'm glad we have gotten as close as we are, a big heart with a lot to offer to someone. Backed

Mark Luckasavage: I have known mark the longest out of any of the other members of my band. The first thing that I can say about him is that his talent has grown in exponential amounts. Over the past 2 or so years he has become more focused, experimental, and tighter as a drummer. His abilities as a friend and band mate only mirror his drumming. Good dude, catches a lot of unnecessary shit, but never flinches or falters, continues to roll with the punches , with a goofy smile on his face. One of my best.

Kwame Korkor: Out of the three, I have known Kwame the least amount of time and when I think about it it just bums me out. Kwame is intelligent, a brilliant fucking bass player, pissed off, forthright, honest, and is never ever afraid to tell it how it is and/or call you out on your shit. A good person all around and I am honored to call him a friend and tighten the already strong bond we have created.

You already know how stoked I am on Kassi Ostrander. I hope that we figure this mess we have thrown ourselves into soon, because this is what will probably drive me off the deep end. She is wonderful and came around at a pretty good time. I just hope that it lasts, or at least turns out the way we both are hoping it turns out.

Other than that, my patience is nearly out, and I am worn the thinnest I have ever been. So frustrated and free of mild temperament the smallest most insignificant details irritate me the most. I hate it. 

I'm still searching and still coming up empty handed. I'm not looking for someone to throw me a life raft I can make my own way, no one is going to help me but myself. It's time I took rightful ownership of my life. Even if I am still frustrated and angry, I'll at least know where I stand in the world

five. Today

-my minor case of writers block may or may not be over

-last night was a stupid idea

-Chuck Ragan

-She gets in at 11:05

-we're getting vinyl pressed

-life could change in five hours

-I love my dog

-my house is clean

-All I can think about right now is getting chinese food

-and I need to get in shape

four. one of those days

The frustration I harbor towards my life grows with each day that passes. I'm sick of working a dead end nowhere job with the same nowhere people, I'm sick of doing nothing with my degree, I'm sick of being broke, Im sick of paying bills, I'm sick of living in this nowhere town. I'm sick of complacency and settling for what is easy, I may be angry but that doesn't mean I can't direct that frustration towards the negative things that inhibit me.

I am sick of reminding myself of my father.

The time for me to change myself for the better is now, I won't be a slave to second best anymore, I refuse to let myself become the bastards that infest, infect, and curse my family, and curse my name. I am not you,  I will never be you, I taught myself better than that.

never ever again

three. sunblind

Now that the headache from the other day has worn off and is in perspective, I laugh about it to myself and with the rest of my friends, it's a good one. Today isn't really going to consist of all that much, I had the most perfect breakfast which consists of a bowl of honey nut cheerios, chocolate milk,  which is later followed up by a cup of tea, I suggest you try this formula. As far as the rest of today I'm probably going to walk milo, and read the breakfast of champions until I go and see paint it black tonight, which should be fun. 

I have come to find that as of late my writing is boring, lacking content, creativity and overall thought. I used to be able to create entire worlds, people and places which somehow intertwined with my own, soaked in metaphors, and feeding the starved for thought. This is just updates on my life lately, and that is fucking unbearably boring, not even I want to read it. I guess you cant be overly creative 24/7 but I like to be more often than not, It makes me feel like I'm getting work done. Which brings to mind another thought I've been having lately. I'm writing more in an attempt to fill the void that no schoolwork has left. It sounds crazy but the only reason I miss school is because I don't use my brain anymore, I don't apply my thoughts to anything that isn't being graded or picked apart. So I write and read more than I ever used to, I am filling the void I just never thought I would miss school, especially for the reasons I just listed. It could be better, there's no doubt about it So I'm going to work to make it better.

This is boring, I've got nothing of substance to say today

two. todays headache

Your pathetic attempts to make me look bad, drag me down, make me feel bad, only make you look like more of an asshole. This isn't even worth the server space it's taking up but it's the only way you'll ever communicate.

Game over, hang it up chump.

one.

This is a new forum for me, because I was sick of the cliches of live journal, so I opted for the cliches of the dot-blogspot world which seemed more than appropriate.  I plan on using this for the same things I used my previous forums for, life updates, short stories, cryptic poetry, and maybe some pictures, I haven't settled on a cohesive theme yet but I suppose I will just stick to the aforementioned. 

I have a band, the band is named troublemaker. 

We played in  New Brunswick New Jersey two nights ago along with flesh temple, black kites, Jerk City and Reign Supreme who headlined the show. This was probably our best set ever (not to sound cocky) everything sounded tight, heavy, and damn near perfect. There must have been 50 people in that tiny space with even more listening outside. I have never been so proud to be in a band with people that believe in what we do like I am with troublemaker. We get it, we get each other, and they are three of the most talented people I have ever been privileged to play music with.  Lyrically I deal with my own life, and the various problems I face on a daily basis I don't make my lyrics public but they aren't hard to decipher if you listen to the songs, speaking of songs we recorded a demo finally. 

I'm very proud of it, and I think I speak for the rest of my band when I say that I'm proud of it.

Self promotion and gloating over.

I have a feeling that within the next 6 days my life is going to shift dramatically, I don't know if I am even remotely ready for that.

until next time