Sunday, December 20, 2009

54. Standing Trial

Allow me this one brief moment to lay all of my thoughts in my head onto an online format. If simply for the sake of my own peace of mind.
I'm tired of being afraid to take chances. I'm tired of living in the same place. I'm tired of the same faces, the same stop signs, the same lack of sidewalks, this awful wallpaper that my mother saw fit to hang up. I'm tired of my job, the lack of equipment upkeep over the last ten years, the hole in the floor, leaky pipes, ugly panini presses, broken refrigerator doors, combination locks that stick, and the lack of help from anyone but me. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being afflicted with constant wanderlust. It's a disease, a condition, a desire that will never be filled. A goal that will never be met. I don't care about money, I don't care about being healthy, I don't care about a steady paycheck, I don't care about a mailing address, I don't care about groceries, I don't care about the floor being swept or not, I don't care about building lasting functional relationships, I don't care whether or not I'm alone. I just want to be happy with the person I am. I feel like I haven't given myself the chance to find whoever or whatever that is. The only finger I need to point is my own at myself. It's no one else's fault but mine because I'm afraid. I'm practically terrified. I'm tired of standing trial in front of myself. I'm the only judge and jury I will ever answer to, thats a fact. I'm just looking for a new job. 
I hate having to beat myself up over nothing all the time. 


How do you plead?

1 comment:

kwamfit said...

a step in the positive direction would be to realize the ropes you tie yourself down with. I can think of two... they're quadrupeds.