thirty six: Turn your hymnal to Chapter Matthew, Verse: Skiba

Don't cry, or stop to wonder why, we crashed out like thunder, on the floor or down from the ceiling, it's been nice waking up next to you.

thirty five: set stubborn on standing

This is not getting any easier and I feel like it hasn't even begun.

I hate that I'm going through this.

I hate that I'm writing this for the whole world to see.

I am weighed down, with thousands of miles between us.

I feel like there's more to the story, that there's clues to the answers right in front of my face waiting to be found so I can smile again.

It's so easy to tell that I am not right lately, that I'm not "all there", it's written all over my face and getting so much harder to hide.

I feel like this is all my fault, and if I had just said the things that you wanted to hear, none of this would be happening.

If I wasn't so set in in my routine, if I wasn't so scared you wouldn't be so against me leaving this place for a while.

I need you, for as much as that scares you; I need you.

It scares me too.

This is as plain as I can put it.

 

I wear rubber bands on my wrist instead of tying string around my finger so I don't forget.

thirty four: I can't give what I can't take

I want to know what brave is.

I'm tired of sitting here pretending I'm not fucking dangerous.

thirty three: someone take these dreams away

twenty nine years ago today.

I wish you could see the impact you had.

thirty two: ...

I must have fucking rocks in my head or something.

I've never thought this long, or this hard about something and not come to a concrete decision. Every time I start to make my way towards completion I end up back at the beginning.

Rocks, it has to be the rocks.

thirty one: well here I am, don't know how to say this.

Continents are shifting within my body, mind and soul. I have been going through emotional stress and trauma for the last two months or so up until 2 weeks ago, when I left for the Coachella Festival with Kassi. First let me preface by saying I had an entry lined up with all the music that has changed my life and impacted me in one way or another but I let it sit for too long and have no idea what to do with it.

Moving on, times have been rough at 55 bradley. I hate(d) my job a lot and it was having a detrimental effect on how I perceived and treated others especially my girlfriend, and mother. You take it out on the people you love most, right? Kassi and I fought too much for my liking and it made me frustrated. piled on top of the fact that she was and has been extremely homesick and frequently expressed interest in moving back home after school. This terrified me. It was something neither of us had to deal with before, and we didn't think of the consequences, The "OK now what?".  Life was killing us, our schedules were killing us, and the only thing we had to blame was us.

Then we went to Coachella. Must have been the air, or the tailwind that got us there an hour early, or the cookie sandwich and burrito gutbombs we inhaled. Maybe it was the look of comfort and happiness on her face when she got that terrible awful polluted air in her lungs, but I'll be damned if that wasn't a look I would punch a kitten to see every day. In between coughing and wheezing, I stole glances and snuck the most peeks, but she looked so happy. Even if I was tired and cranky. From that moment the whole weekend was good. Just needed a spark, some kind of catalyst for us to feel like us again. Whatever it was I felt it again. and I'm still feeling it.

Its something I dont want to shake.

I'm ending this here before the whole point of the entry is lost on rambling.

Twenty Nine. Come on in

Today I thought of something.  You are the train, on a snow covered day. I am the tracks that  need to be set on fire. Just a small fire. Without me, without this fire you couldn't get anywhere. You would derail, and we would be left with nothing. You'd be a broken train with no tracks, and I would be tracks without a train. You just can't have one, without the other.

For as much as I try to come up with really depressing topics to make myself seem introspective and more interesting. You hold fast as a reoccurring theme, something inside me is shifting.