thirty one: well here I am, don't know how to say this.

Continents are shifting within my body, mind and soul. I have been going through emotional stress and trauma for the last two months or so up until 2 weeks ago, when I left for the Coachella Festival with Kassi. First let me preface by saying I had an entry lined up with all the music that has changed my life and impacted me in one way or another but I let it sit for too long and have no idea what to do with it.

Moving on, times have been rough at 55 bradley. I hate(d) my job a lot and it was having a detrimental effect on how I perceived and treated others especially my girlfriend, and mother. You take it out on the people you love most, right? Kassi and I fought too much for my liking and it made me frustrated. piled on top of the fact that she was and has been extremely homesick and frequently expressed interest in moving back home after school. This terrified me. It was something neither of us had to deal with before, and we didn't think of the consequences, The "OK now what?".  Life was killing us, our schedules were killing us, and the only thing we had to blame was us.

Then we went to Coachella. Must have been the air, or the tailwind that got us there an hour early, or the cookie sandwich and burrito gutbombs we inhaled. Maybe it was the look of comfort and happiness on her face when she got that terrible awful polluted air in her lungs, but I'll be damned if that wasn't a look I would punch a kitten to see every day. In between coughing and wheezing, I stole glances and snuck the most peeks, but she looked so happy. Even if I was tired and cranky. From that moment the whole weekend was good. Just needed a spark, some kind of catalyst for us to feel like us again. Whatever it was I felt it again. and I'm still feeling it.

Its something I dont want to shake.

I'm ending this here before the whole point of the entry is lost on rambling.

Twenty Nine. Come on in

Today I thought of something.  You are the train, on a snow covered day. I am the tracks that  need to be set on fire. Just a small fire. Without me, without this fire you couldn't get anywhere. You would derail, and we would be left with nothing. You'd be a broken train with no tracks, and I would be tracks without a train. You just can't have one, without the other.

For as much as I try to come up with really depressing topics to make myself seem introspective and more interesting. You hold fast as a reoccurring theme, something inside me is shifting.

twenty eight. Bastards of Young

I like this picture, it makes me feel like I'm trapped in a simpler time, where everything goes my way, I never have to worry, and my hair isn't falling out.

I love my girlfriend very much. She's going to make an excellent pastry chef.

I spent the last two days at kriers house doing things that you cannot know about. However, I can say that I am thoroughly pleased with how things are are turning out, and I am very VERY proud of my support system. I love bradah baker.

I am in an extremely strange mood today, I feel as if this post is reflecting it.

twenty seven. don't depend on hope to get you by

This album is going to change the course of musical history. I have never had more faith in a group of individuals that come together where this is the outcome.

At the risk of being called a name dropper I have known these people for a very long time, I've seen them at their best worst and everything in between. I walked from Penn station to I know how much of themselves they have tirelessly poured into the inception, recording and completion of this record. It has taken what seems like forever and finally on the cusp of being released they're simultaneously breathing nervous sighs of relief. So am I.   I know that we haven't stayed in touch due to schedules getting in the way and the perils of getting older but I have never felt more proud of anyone or anything than I do for Collin, Leif, Chris and Hodge (because yes he recorded the record). I can't wait til this falls like and 800 ton sack of atomic death in to the collective lap of the masses and everyone has to sit back and rethink and relearn everything they thought about insightful music and lyrics.

This is going to change everything, and for that I am honored, humbled and proud. Maybe one day they will see this.

twenty six. Clever Swine

"The Passing of time, and all of its sickening crimes is making me sad again."

twenty five. Different name, same meaning

"I haven't much I can give you in return. Only my heart and I promise not to turn."

Twenty four. old wounds

I used to be a pretty good writer. At least I thought I was alright, When I was really down on myself, and well versed in the arts of self loathing and deprecation I would write endlessly. I would never stop, I would take the time to notate every single nuance and feeling that would pass through my mind but never have the courage to exit my mouth. I would re crate entire scenes in my mind and translate it to the screen. There was a period of time where I thought I could write short stories in my livejournal and convince myself that they were semi- palatable. They were okay but they had no consistency. This is one of the only excerpts from that series that I liked writing and found to be cohesive So I thought I would put it here:

Sep. 9th, 2007 | 02:01 am

He returned home briefly,
in the dead of night when the house was asleep.
Sitting quietly on the porch in his usual spot,
he softly whispered to himself.
"I know I'm unlovable,
you don't have to tell me."
He didn't feel a need to run anymore,
nor did he get the slightest urge to escape.
He just wanted to hide,
for now hiding from everything that troubled him was the best solution.
That is of course until he convinced himself of an even better one,
his mood usually determined the length of time.
Knowing where she always kept a spare key,
for he had disposed of his some time ago.
He let himself in,
it made it easier because she always left the porch light on.
Closing the door behind him he put his small pack down,
message received loud and clear.

This time last year was the shittiest point in my early twenties and some days I'm still reeling from the effects of my self loathing, Isolation, and shitty attitude. I still feel those feelings, and sometimes I don't think I'll ever find a solution. I also still don't know if it's good or detrimental. It's something I suppose I'll be handling for the rest of my days.