nineteen. unfit

I am unfit to love and unfit for commitment.

In my own mind

Despite all your efforts for love and affection, I convince myself I'll never be good enough.

But I'll always love you

eighteen. lost a lifetime ago it seems

I'm falling into a routine, something that I've always hated.

I miss my sense of responsibility to my loved ones.

I miss the feeling of being young.

I miss my band.

I miss not being worried about anything.

Youth is wasted on the young and it always will be.

seventeen. Hope for the human race?

Humans, 

I hold you in no esteem whatsoever. You're all useless overweight sacks of capitalist consumer minded recessive traits. Lazy, ugly, racist, and just flat out stupid; every single last one of you. The one thing that would restore my faith is that if Obama is the next person to sit in office. IF that war mongering, fence sitting, ecosystem destroying, flip flopping evil son of a bitch McCain continues the reign of the fourth reich. Then I'll Just lose it.

Sincerely,

Sean

sixteen. George Hirsch

"We are all products of "The New Wave Of American Hardcore" act accordingly. Lie about, everything. Demand, more money. Complain about, everything. Respect no one, secretly. Praise what is "cool", publicly. Use, everyone. Get to the top, quickly. Change, nothing but your identity. Gain a false sense of importance, now. Fool, everyone. Leave me alone, Forever".

That excerpt was taken from his last blog entry. I'm not sure what it is about this person, the music he is involved with, the words he writes, or the lyrical chances you get to see inside his head for two loud minutes or less but I respect him as a musician and person more than any frontman in music right now. I don't know him and I've never spoken to him for more than a total of  ten minutes, but whatever it is it's nothing but respect.  His every action a "fuck you" and every breath is honesty. I can relate to how he feels and sometimes I don't really know why.  With the current state of independent music and hardcore especially Everyone acts like their shit doesn't stink and everyone plays favorites in waves . They all whisper secrets to each other in groups of five or more in between sets. It's sickening.

Something was lost along the way, and I've never been a  hardcore or punk purist preaching the gospel to the mournful choir. But where the fuck did it go sour? Al I want to do is enjoy music and find something to latch onto.  Something to believe in, and something to love. I don't want to hear about who's fucking who, who's buying what, and who wants to fight who. I don't care I have enough problems, you have enough problems I didn't start listening to punk rock to hear about everyone elses problems in the crowd. I started listening to punk rock because I related to and understood the problems they were yelling about. Not an escape, but more of a catharsis. I know were all different and everyone handles things differently, but ask yourself why you did this in the first place. Take a long hard look in the mirror and think why you are who you are, and why you do what you do. If you question it for one second, you're in the wrong business.

Whatever it is you do George and Blacklisted keep doing it. Keep doing it, and I'll keep respecting it Keep speaking and I'll keep listening. Never stop moving and I will never stop watching.

fifteen. This town has dragged you down

You just haven't earned it yet baby

fourteen. so to speak

This was us sitting in her apartment just killing time, watching movies, eating ice cream and being ridiculous. Something I needed that week more than any medicine, record, book, or nap.
This is Kassi taking a picture of the Elliott Smith memorial wall in downtown Los Angeles, fans come by the wall and write lyrics or messages to let someone know how much Elliott Smith, and his music meant to him or her. I chose to write "I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow" followed by my name and the date. It was pretty quiet for downtown LA and almost surreal to be standing there, the air was perfect, cool, and relaxing. One of my favorite nights
This was taken at the Sunset Cliffs in San Diego California The water was crystal clear, it wasn't too hot, and there were people jumping into the ocean. Perfect Time of day to be there.
This is my triumph over the cliffs, as you can see I am clearly the victor.
This is me in love with something real.

I needed this week away, but you can never run from your problems totally. I came home to stress, a headache, and nothing to eat. Scott graciously picked me up at 830 this morning and we went to breakfast. I had a big coffee and a bagel with some butter. Then we came home and I saw milo who surprisingly didn't chew anything or wreck anything he was just as excited to see me as I was to see him.  I opened my bills, a phone bill for $175...., and American express bill of course, the new Trash Talk LP, and my healthcare "credit card". I unpacked, cleaned my room, changed my sheets, and vaccumed, The whole time with Kassi on my mind. I broke my phone after a fight with my mother about money and subsequently my future  which is leading me to buy a new phone(more money)

Kassi will be here in two weeks and it's all I can think about, at least I have zelda, mario galaxy and some new movies to watch until then.

I have nothing else of substance to say, brad is taking too long

thirteen. kiss all my friends goodbye

I'm bored. I'm so unbearably bored that it is starting to have serious detrimental effects on my mood. I never want to do anything with anyone anymore, I usually just find myself waiting for something to fall in my lap. Some kind of anonymous "salvation" to rescue me from the doldrums of my early twenties. I don't write much, I haven't picked up a book in weeks I just sit and stare, this is the most writing I've done in quite some time.  When I do go out, all I can think about is going home and counting the days. I was out two nights ago in red bank, and I walked home. Too many people, too many undesirable faces that I could have done without seeing. Just soured my mood, so instead of sucking it up I let it take me and I walked home angry it was a long fucking walk. Kassi called me during that time to which I described my mood, told her I almost got hit by a car, which subsequently led to me wasting what was left of my iced tea, as well as the incessant description of just how fucking long that walk was. She worries about me a lot, and that she just "wants to make me happy" Finally someone that gives a shit. I feel her reaction is a bit contrived as well as naive, she doesn't know me well enough yet to know that I'm like this most days, and while I'm in a great mood when I see her or speak to her i can usually turn that around without much notice.

I'm running out of things to do with myself, as well as ideas to fix my head. I get the feeling lately that people are starting to care almost as much as I do, which isn't much at all.

pressure's on