fourteen. so to speak

This was us sitting in her apartment just killing time, watching movies, eating ice cream and being ridiculous. Something I needed that week more than any medicine, record, book, or nap.
This is Kassi taking a picture of the Elliott Smith memorial wall in downtown Los Angeles, fans come by the wall and write lyrics or messages to let someone know how much Elliott Smith, and his music meant to him or her. I chose to write "I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow" followed by my name and the date. It was pretty quiet for downtown LA and almost surreal to be standing there, the air was perfect, cool, and relaxing. One of my favorite nights
This was taken at the Sunset Cliffs in San Diego California The water was crystal clear, it wasn't too hot, and there were people jumping into the ocean. Perfect Time of day to be there.
This is my triumph over the cliffs, as you can see I am clearly the victor.
This is me in love with something real.

I needed this week away, but you can never run from your problems totally. I came home to stress, a headache, and nothing to eat. Scott graciously picked me up at 830 this morning and we went to breakfast. I had a big coffee and a bagel with some butter. Then we came home and I saw milo who surprisingly didn't chew anything or wreck anything he was just as excited to see me as I was to see him.  I opened my bills, a phone bill for $175...., and American express bill of course, the new Trash Talk LP, and my healthcare "credit card". I unpacked, cleaned my room, changed my sheets, and vaccumed, The whole time with Kassi on my mind. I broke my phone after a fight with my mother about money and subsequently my future  which is leading me to buy a new phone(more money)

Kassi will be here in two weeks and it's all I can think about, at least I have zelda, mario galaxy and some new movies to watch until then.

I have nothing else of substance to say, brad is taking too long

thirteen. kiss all my friends goodbye

I'm bored. I'm so unbearably bored that it is starting to have serious detrimental effects on my mood. I never want to do anything with anyone anymore, I usually just find myself waiting for something to fall in my lap. Some kind of anonymous "salvation" to rescue me from the doldrums of my early twenties. I don't write much, I haven't picked up a book in weeks I just sit and stare, this is the most writing I've done in quite some time.  When I do go out, all I can think about is going home and counting the days. I was out two nights ago in red bank, and I walked home. Too many people, too many undesirable faces that I could have done without seeing. Just soured my mood, so instead of sucking it up I let it take me and I walked home angry it was a long fucking walk. Kassi called me during that time to which I described my mood, told her I almost got hit by a car, which subsequently led to me wasting what was left of my iced tea, as well as the incessant description of just how fucking long that walk was. She worries about me a lot, and that she just "wants to make me happy" Finally someone that gives a shit. I feel her reaction is a bit contrived as well as naive, she doesn't know me well enough yet to know that I'm like this most days, and while I'm in a great mood when I see her or speak to her i can usually turn that around without much notice.

I'm running out of things to do with myself, as well as ideas to fix my head. I get the feeling lately that people are starting to care almost as much as I do, which isn't much at all.

pressure's on

twelve. let's face it

I want to be someone else or I'll explode

eleven. All Apologies

I'm not witty, I'm not original, I'm not mean, I'm not kind, I'm not tough, I'm not weak, I'm not quiet, I'm not loud. 

Lately I don't know what I've been feeling. I'm not entirely happy nor am I depressed, It feels kind of like an emotional purgatory. I'm sort of just stuck in the middle of feeling trying to figure out my next move. It's the only logical definition I have right now, if I even need one. I guess it's necessary, but feeling this way is more annoying than anything. Inconsistency annoys  me almost as much as uncertainty, I don't want to know the future, but having a couple of hints dropped in my lap every once in a while wouldn't be so bad. Speaking of inconsistency, it's all i know of night and day no with little to no variation. The constants are few and far between. I know that everyday I will wake up miserable and drive to a shitty job that I hate(why I'm still there is beyond my control), My dog will be excited to see me when I come home, Late night texts from Kassi, I will have a headache, and eat an apple. That's really about it and I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want to be comfortable, because comfort leads to boredom but I hate not knowing what is going on. 

In other news my father and stepmother still refuse to acknowledge the fact that they know how to operate the keypad on their fancy touchscreen telephones. It's been three(or so) months since I have spoken to my father. I used to call once or twice a week but I got sick of leaving voicemail messages with no return courtesy call. So I gave up. My stepmother will text me until her fingers bleed about how I need to call my father and how I need to talk to him. What about me? Why doesn't he call me if the fact that me not bothering to put the effort in anymore affects him so much. WHERE'S THE EFFORT ON YOUR END DAD? You've been fucking stupid for the last 23 years and I'm finally old and frustrated enough to call you out on your bullshit. OWN UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR ACTIONS. If I am ever lucky enough to raise a child, boy or girl I will never be anything you have proven yourself to be. Fuck you pick up a phone and show me you care.

We're playing a show tonight, with some of our good friends I'm excited I guess with our luck none of them will watch us because they'll be too busy getting drunk outside, or coming up with excuses I've heard before to not come support their friends endeavors.

Old friends have proven themselves to be selfish inconsistent liars while new friends rely on apathy and the mistake of kindness for weakness to show how much they "care".

I'm over it

ten. The sanest days are mad

How do you stay in one spot when there is an entire world for you to explore? People, faces, cities, sights, the open road. How do you sit still? When you have built a world and life for yourself, and you are disgusted simply by the thought of it how do you stay? What keeps you here? If it isn't what you made than what is it? You don't get the answers by continually asking questions, you simply do. Life is trial and error, do and do not, hypothesis and conclusion.

Get up off of your couch and do.

I'm going completely mental, I look back fondly on days of lucidity and laugh my ass off.

nine. I'll never get it

I'm Twenty-three, I'm dating a girl that I am in love with and as far as she tells me is in love with me.

We talk alot, have been pretty open with each other, and when asked questions that deserve honesty we never give each other anything less than that.

So why is it that I have to find out somewhat important information second hand?

I'll seriously never ever get it, ever.

eight. crazy from the heat

I FUCKING HATE SUMMERTIME