45. still here, sincere

25 years old and still fucking void of direction. Time can change people drastically usually for the better. You can become more focused, positive, older and wiser. If there is one thing I'm sure of the years have only made me angrier, and more anxious. I'm older yes, and in some aspects wiser but I don't have a clue. I sit in my kitchen on my days off with a never ending pot of tea waiting for something to happen . Something beyond myself, something that to someone somewhere actually means something. I'm not going to get into a lengthy diatribe about how you can't just sit around and wait, you need to make your own destiny blah blah blah. I am fully aware of that. Painfully aware in fact. It's often quite debilitating when you know what to do and just can't gather the sand to do so. I'm so tired of complaining and writing these monotonous blogs I'm sick or re-reading them and if anyone reads this they're probably sick of it too.

My life hasn't been much of anything lately. The band is still playing shows and I still hate my job. I stay in the back for most of my shift now, I punch in, give a quick hello, get my tea, and punch out. Everyone used to be so nice and accepting. Watching from a distance you notice that everyone I work with is fucking cliquey and juvenile. They're nice to me when they need something and give me the cold shoulder when they feel like it. How hard is it to find a job where you actually like spending the bulk of your day with people you work with? It's so mundane and I always end up having to pick up the slack, I'm simply not there anymore.

Stay tuned

44.

Irving Plaza New York City October 31 2009.

We're off to see the Wizard....

Holiday

Action & Action

Valentine

Red Letter Day

Out of Reach

Ten Minutes

The Company Dime

My Apology

I'm A loner Dottie, A Rebel

Long Goodnight

Close To Home 

I'll Catch You

...The Wonderful Wizard of Oz...

Man Of Conviction

Coming Clean

One You Want

Off The Wagon

No Love

Campfire Kansas

Mass Pike

Keith Case...

"Would you stay for one night?

if i didn't come home?
the end of a big fight
doesn't matter anymore
at that point in my midlife
the situation stands
but hours pass like years
wish you were here 
wish you were here 
did I open an old wound?
is there something I should know?
is it's all ending so soon
how could we possibly let go?
comes to a head, this is high noon
the finale we had planned
but hours pass like years
wish you were here 
say the words so slow
say it without fear
you won't turn to go
you won't leave me here
and if the past is all we know
my memories are clear
wish you were here 
if I told you, were you listening?
did you know this from the start?
do the dates match exactly?
did you plan when we would part?
if I won't wait for another year
I guess you'll break my heart
it's true 
you already knew 
so take this as a souvenir
remember me, I'm waiting here
the disappointed, hanger on
who stayed behind while you moved on
wish you were here"

43: I want to

I want to be someone else or I'll explode

42: Concentrating on falling apart

I'm going to be 25 in eleven days. One would think that by twenty five , the average american male would have a steady well paying job, and place of his own, some kind of significant other, or large social circle, the ability to pay his bills on time, and a healthy mental state. What do I have to show for my age? I still live at home, I work in a local cafe which is starting to lose its appeal, I am single, have the worst brain in the history of brains and do nothing but think of what could have been if I had only thrown caution to the wind and jumped into the fire of uncertainty.  Sure I would have missed people places and familiarity, but at least I wouldn't have to be going through this. I wouldn't have to cry because I walked into my room, or new pictures, or early morning text messages. It's so hard to shake you. I'm so afraid I'm going to feel like this forever, I'm just plain afraid.  I wish I could be angry, I wish I didn't have to miss you,  I wish I wasn't still hopelessly in love with you, I wish I left with you that day, I wish I wasn't full of regret every fucking day. I wish I could get my head on straight. 

Happy Birthday to me

41: FUCK 40

we're back

40: Love Letters and Postcards

We were inseparable, the kind of people you couldn't break apart if you tried.

Not with the sharpest of knives, the heaviest of rocks, or the toughest of people.

Undefeated champions of friendship, dedicated to our craft, our misery and each other.

Days passed, months came and went, and its been a bout two years. Nothing physical came between us, just time.

Time happened, and growing older happened. Something no bond can resist.

I want "it" back, whatever it was I miss it and at this point I'll stop at nothing to get it back. All my chips are in, and I haven't folded my cards.

I just hope nobody else did.

39: Live my life for me and for no one else

I want to take this opportunity to express my deep and sincere adoration for what this band was. 

If you never heard Anderson Bradshaw speak in between songs, 

If you never put their records on in your car, your ipod your stereo, if you never went to see them in a live setting. 

Then you'll probably never get just what they meant to me, and not NEARLY enough people that aren't me. 

This band was truly a sight to behold, barring certain member current personal choices they were a band that stood up for what they believed in, 

said what they had to say, and did what they had to do regardless of what anyone had to say about it. 

Their tenure was something truly magical and something that I will not ever forget.

 

I saw a movie tonight and it really struck a chord with me. 

I dont say this about movies too often but there was certain dialogue and scenes that really related

to some of the emotions that I have been feeling. 

A reaction like that is rare and I had to pause for a moment within it just to remember what it was like.

Interesting how something so small and "meaningless" like movie dialogue can be related to something so drastic within you

nodding out.